Republicans Just Screwed You (and they didn’t even buy you dinner)

Republicans Just Screwed You (And they didn’t even buy you dinner)….

Do you feel violated America?  Well, you should.  While you were busy fretting about Trump’s lunatic Twitter rantings regarding Obama wiretapping Trump Tower, Republicans in both Houses of the legislature were busy defiling your rights without your knowledge or consent- sort of like that creepy dentist who loses his license after spending time in jail for taking naked pictures of clients he fed too much nitrous.  Knowing that you were disoriented by the bewildering shit show that this administration has already become, these corrupt bastards quietly passed a rollback of internet privacy regulations Obama helped create in 2016 that would have prohibited internet service providers (ISP’s) from selling your browsing history without your explicit consent.  And, as is usually the case with Republicans, they didn’t even have the decency of buying you dinner after screwing you.

Whatever illusions of privacy you once had for your online practices, dispel them now.  Anything you have ever done on the internet is now up for sale to the highest bidder, as the political party that disingenuously likes to tout itself as the protector of the little guy just let Big Brother have his way with all of us.  Yes, from now on, get used to more of those obnoxious ads popping up right after you visit an online retailer site.  Going forward, you had better be wary of letting your kids use your computer after you’ve bought them their surprise birthday gift as the evidence of what you got them will be plastered over every window they open by companies trying to sell you more of the very thing you just purchased for them.  And heaven help you if you’re into anything freaky.  I’d love to see you explaining the ad for Asian squid porn that suddenly and unexpectedly pops up when your girlfriend is looking over your shoulder while you two search travel sites for your next vacation.  That’s going to be an awkward moment indeed.

Which got me to thinking: I hope the hypocritical windbags that passed this thing recognize that this legislation will allow their own personal internet activity to now be available as well.  In fact, a crowdfunding campaign has recently been started trying to raise $1 million to buy the browsing history of Republican officeholders like Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Speaker Paul Ryan, and FCC Chair Ajit Pai.  While no ISP is currently selling this kind of raw data on individual subscribers, and it’s unlikely they ever will, I must admit I like where these people are coming from.  Just what might we discover about some of these self-aggrandizing blowhards if we were able to access a list of the websites they have visited?  While admittedly only speculative in nature, here is a compendium of some of the revelations I think we might find on these people.  Perhaps then we could use it as blackmail to get them to vote to actually serve our interests and protect our privacy in the way the American people expected when they voted for them.  Or better yet, we could just hold them accountable for this violation of our rights by voting them out in 2018….

Paul Ryan spends his free time browsing the AARP website looking for insights into new ways to get old people to die sooner so that he can get them off of Medicare.  He also views pictures of kittens so that he can grumble to himself, “They’re not that cute.  Just a bunch of entitlement takers…”

Mitch McConnell visits websites that sell home beauty products dedicated to removing unsightly neck fat.  He returns to these sites over and over again but never actually makes a purchase.

For most of the Summer of 2016, Bill Clinton was furiously engaged with hiring websites as he looked for qualified young women to fill expected intern positions in Hilary’s administration.

Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), who led the fight to roll back Obama’s internet privacy rules, frequently searches for sites on Southern charm so that she learn to produce on cue that unbelievably false smile she musters when screwing over her own constituents.

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), who was roundly criticized after making remarks defending a healthcare bill that would have eliminated coverage for 24 million Americans by suggesting that they would have to choose between their iPhones and healthcare coverage, used the internet to buy both his own iPhone and healthcare coverage.  He then did some research on Marie Antoinette.

Daniel Nunez has recently been scrolling various medical sites in order to find advice on how he can safely remove his head from Donald Trump’s ass.

In advance of his ski trip to the mountains of Colorado, Attorney General Jeff Sessions went to dispensary websites so that he could find out where to buy the best weed.

Energy Secretary Rick Perry has routinely Googled, “Things the Department of Energy does”.

Although she owns her own computer, controversial Education Secretary Betsy DeVos does all of her internet research on effective contemporary educational practices at local public schools so that she can monitor the progress schools in her area are making at implementing basic technology strategies.  Ah, you know I’m joking.  Betsy DeVos has never stepped foot in a public school, and you sure as hell know she doesn’t give a damn about educational practices.

There is only one word that Donald Trump has ever entered into an internet search engine.  That word is “Trump”.

Steven Craig is the author of the best-selling novel WAITING FOR TODAY, as well as numerous published poems, short stories, and dramatic works.  Read his blog TRUTH: in 1000 Words or Less every THURSDAY at